Tech Humour

Humour. Satire. Jokes. Puns. Wordplay. Limericks. Quotes. One liners. Memes. About tech, hardware, computers, smartphones, cloud computing, WiFi, software, programming, tech support, nerds and the like. Funny. Hilarious. Geeky. Corny. Clever. Compiled from various public sources. None of these is our original creation. Authors unknown. Come take a break and enjoy a laugh!

Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.
It feels like I'm losing control.

Getting really tired of my neighbour's crappy WiFi!

Just bought new dual-band wireless router, but I'm not sure if it's working.
It's giving me mixed signals.

What is the quickest way to call a family meeting?
Turn off the WiFi router and simply wait.

What do you get when you have Windows and Mac OS X dual booting from the same computer?
co-operating system.

Why did the farmer move his router to the horse shed?
He wanted stable WiFi.

I switched recently from a 1080p monitor to a 4k monitor.
It's my New Year resolution.

What's the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data. The other is a hardware standard.

What did the former US Vice President name his electric band?
Algorithm (Al Gore rhythm).

My email password has been hacked again! This is the third time I've had to rename my cat.

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I updated my Facebook status to "I'm getting a divorce," he was the first one to click 'Like'.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

Autocorrect can go to He'll.

I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn't have internet.

Can't see any end. I have no control and I think there's no escape. I don't even have a home anymore. Think it's time for a new keyboard.

Admin: Adds Erica to the group.
David: Hi Erica welcome to the group.
Erica: Hi guys, I am new to the city.
Sam: Hi Erica don’t worry, I am here, any problem, I will be your solution.
Kyle: Hi Erica, if you need anything tell me, it will be arranged.
George: Hi Erica my brother is in the city, any problem I will manage it for you.
Erica: Thanks guys for your support.
Joseph: Erica what’s your full name.
Erica: Eric Andrews.
Joseph left.
Sam left.
Kyle left.
David left.
George left.
Admin left ...
Erica is Admin now.

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that TV."
The salesperson shook his head and said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that TV."
Again the salesman said: "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that TV."
But the salesman still said: "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked.
The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Two admins meet at work.
"A friend of mine was able to shut down the main server just in 5 minutes!"
"Wow. Is he a hacker?"
"No. Just an idiot."

What is the Network Admin's favourite lullaby?
Mary had a little LAN.

Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they can't explain what they did.

Facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google as a search engine.
The other 50% of them use it just to check if their internet is connected.

A Hardware Sales Rep, an IT Admin and the Department Manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I’ll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the IT Admin. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! He’s gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the Hardware Sales Rep.
"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He too’s gone.
"OK, you’re up," the Genie says to the Department Manager.
The Manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Thank you for calling Tech Support Helpdesk. All our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.

Macs: For those who don't want to know why their computer works.
Linux: For those who want to know why their computer works.
DOS: For those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Windows: For those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple with very limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.

What do you call the security outside a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

Why are all workers at the keyboard factory rich?
They put in a lot of shifts.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It is a hardware problem.

A SEO couple had twins. For the first time ever, they were happy with duplicate content.

What is an astronaut's favourite place on a computer?
The space bar.

Why was the computer tired when it got home?
It had a hard drive.

Why did Jack and Jill go up the hill?
To get better WiFi.

When I die, I want my tombstone to be a WiFi hotspot. That way people will visit more often.

The public is rallying around a new proprietary Bluetooth technology LG invented. After all, everybody supports LGBT.

What is a computer virus?
terminal illness.

Customer to Tech Support Helpdesk: I have a huge problem! A friend put a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move my mouse, it disappears!

What did the processor say when it was being overclocked?
“Stop! It hertz a lot!”

What do you call a creepy IT teacher who preys on innocent kids? A PDF file.

The other day my computer crashed. Luckily there were no injuries.

Some people are like a software update. When I see them I think, “Not now.”

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.

What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
"I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.”

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

wHERE CAN i FIND THE cAPSLOCK KEY?

If at first you don't succeed, just call it Version 1.0.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's version of couch potato.

Upgrade: The act of removing old bugs from a program or operating system so that you can instal new ones.

Next assailable representative: The person you talk to after being on hold for 40 minutes.

Software Program: A set of instructions that enables a computer to turn your inputs into error messages.

What is the best place to hide a dead body? Page two of Google Search.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I needed a password with eight characters. So I picked 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs'.

My wife wanted me to drop the kids at school. She knows I’m a master of drag and drop.

Always keep your website address safe. That's domain thing.

My New Year's resolution is 1080p.

My son came home as I was taking his door off its hinges and asked: "Dad, what are you doing?" I explained, "We've updated our privacy policy."

I am rarely more focussed for a full five seconds than when I'm waiting to skip an ad on the internet.

How does a network administrator greet people who come to his house?
Welcome to 127.0.0.1.

Mac users swear by their Mac; PC users swear at their PC.

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Dance like no one is watching. Email like it may one day be read aloud in court.

Customer: I have a problem with my printer.
Tech Support Helpdesk: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. My colleague sits by the window, and his printer is working fine!

Tech Support Helpdesk: I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.
Customer: OK.
Tech Support Helpdesk: Did you get a pop-up menu?
Customer: No.
Tech Support Helpdesk: OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?
Customer: No.
Tech Support Helpdesk: OK, sir. Can you tell me exactly what you have done up until this point?
Customer: Sure, you told me to write 'click'; so I wrote 'click.'

Customer: I've been calling 0900-1800 for two days and can't get through to Customer Support. Can you help?
Operator: Where did you get that number from, sir?
Customer: It was on the door of the Service Centre.
Operator: Sir, those are our working hours.

A computer technician is a person who fixes things that aren't broken.

Tech Support Helpdesk: Double click on "My Computer".
User: I can't see your computer.
Tech Support Helpdesk: No, I meant double click on "My Computer" on your computer.
User: Huh?
Tech Support Helpdesk: There is an icon on your computer labeled "My Computer". Double click on it.
User: What's your computer doing on mine?

If it's there and you can see it - it's real.
If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue ...

Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now? [OK]

Customer: It won't print anymore, just as usual.
Tech Support Helpdesk: Well, is the printer turned on?
Customer: Well, yes, but...the PC ain't. Never mind. Bye.

Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.

Customer: What's the WiFi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Customer: Okay, I'll have a Pepsi.
Bartender: That will be $3 please.
Customer: There you go. So, what's the WiFi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

If trees had WiFi, we'd be planting them everywhere!
Too bad they only make the oxygen we need to live.

Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.
Can’t express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket.

What does the smartphone say to the pipe?
iPhone, YouTube, WeChat.

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you ...
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

English, the Microsoft of languages ...